Subject: The condensed Bible

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible - the followingis what he wrote.

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God,darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I thinkHe must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' andsomeone did. Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren'tembarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyedGod by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Notsure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Ad am and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who livedto be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of hiskids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and someanimals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they wouldhave to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than hisbrother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some potroast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh afterGod sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice,lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day withmanicotti.

Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include don't lie, cheat,smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of onemore: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to usespies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on thetown.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with aslingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise tome.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these wasJonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed upon the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worryabout them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the NewTestament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn, too,because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in abarn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees andthe Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums The worst one was JudasAsparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man He healed many leopards and even preached to someGermans on the Mount.

But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius thePilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyway's, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His returnis foretold in the book of Revolution.