saturday is not a good time for me

Saturday is not a good time for me.....says J
What kind of a statement is that?
We need to recruit new organist.....says A

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Saturday is not a good time for me too! I feel so exasperated each time I have to cancel out on dates, on events, on bbqs, on concerts.....and the list goes on....because I have to be in church EVERY saturday from 4:30 to 8pm.

Sometimes, I feel that my youth has just slipped by.
Sometimes, I feel trapped in this stupid commitment to ministry.

Sometimes I marvel at Mer's and J's ability to just WALK OUT AND NOT FEEL AN INCH OF GUILT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If I am not there, I am not there.

I do not care.

Is it really?

I have to attend mass anyway. Plus, I work on Sundays, and I cannot attend any of the Sunday mass timings anyway. So there isnt an option....I HAVE to go on Saturdays. Well, I could wake up at 6:30am to attend 7am mass on Sundays....and Die the rest of Sunday as I'd have to drink tons of caffeine to keep my eyes open as I keep up the gruelling teaching from 9am to 5:30pm....with a half hour lunch break which is too short to take 40 winks. So, I'd spare myself from that.

So yes, Saturday is a bad time for me too....for any single....for we MISS out on life's opportunities that slip by only on weekends. And it is no wonder that this single is left on the shelf because she is not available on Saturdays...AND Sundays......
And friends ask....you work so hard for what?

It is a crazy merry go round.
I work so hard because....I only have ME to depend on when it comes to paying for bills and taking care of my old age...and my parents old age!

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We need to recruit another organist.....says A.

Am I slotted for early retirement already?
So lets say hypothetically another organist shows up.....
Will I let go?

If one drops down from the sky, I suppose, YES.
Then again,
That means, that I'd be sitting on the pews of the congregation.
It is not every week that I get dates, or concerts, or dinners, or events.....
And I'd sit alone.
And I'd listen to fumblings, wrong chords, strange sounds coming from that instrument that I used to play.....and thinking....hmmmm....that sounds hmmmm......i'd have done it....hmmmm.....
I'd not be part of the community.
I don't really enjoy singing or conducting.
I only want to play.

SO WHAT IS MY PROBLEM??????
What is causing me so my anst this weekend????????

1. I hate being taken for granted.

2. I was invited to attend the piano festival coming up next weekend, and I bother to arrange for alternate organist. To the point that before I accept that date, I'd make sure that someone is around to play if I am not. To the point of cancelling date if nobody is around to play.

3. And then I get stupid response like, 'actually saturday is a bad time for me'......

SO IS THERE A SOLUTION?

If there is another organist PROFICIENT...ie, not fumbling and kallang kabot....That'll be a Godsent.
I don't need the person to always be around, but sometimes, I need someone to take over if I do not make it to mass on Saturday.
I wish that I can just say yes to painting walls on Saturday, to baking muffins, to going to cycling at East coast....etc etc etc without this GUILT that I am abandoning a RESPONSIBLITY from GOD for something so frivolous as my social life.

BUT.....
God has been good to me.
For a social life that is non-existent on weekends, God has supplied a social life slipped into the weekdays.

So, I really need to be GRATEFUL.

And yes, I'd be around next Saturday.
Because, we eventually chose to go to the Russian pianist on Friday instead of the French pianist on Saturday.
So really, God is a master over all....if he can calm the storm; he is a master of events....